Okay, look. I get it. Girls are tough. Being in love with one is tougher. But man the fuck up.

You want to know how to get the girl? Stop falling in love so easily, you fucking idiot. Unless you’ve been locked in a basement with one chick for the last three years, I guarantee you’ve been ignoring all the amazing women you come into contact with on a daily basis because you’ve got your head up your ass over this one particular chick, and probably because she just happened to be nice to you. And what that means is you aren’t into her because she’s a cool person - you’re into her because you think she gives you something you need. Validation, maybe, a feeling of wholeness, a feeling that you could be what you want if you just got this one. Last. Piece in place.

Fuck that, dude.

Listen. You want to know when I started getting women? When I figured out what I was about. When I figured out what I was good at, what made me unique as a human fucking being. It has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with you.

“I like you.” Fuck that. Ask her out. Say, “Hey, you want to go on a date on Friday? See a movie?” Because how the fuck is she supposed to respond to “I like you”? “Oh, cool, I like you too. I guess we can just sit here liking each other then. Awesome.” Jesus Christ, dude. Bring something to the goddamn table.

I mean, who are you? What are you proud of? And don’t give me some whiny bull shit about your low self-esteem. If that’s the problem, stop trying to get women and figure out your own shit. You want to know what real love is? You want to know what endures in a romantic relationship? It’s two people who know themselves well enough not to need another person recognizing that they want to be with another person.

Who are you, son? Be still and know. When you know, and when you do the shit you do and be the motherfucker you are, you will find somebody. And your eyes will be open because you won’t need that ONE person. You will be secure enough to find someone that is equally secure in the knowledge of who they are.

Goddammit you fucking asshole, did you even consider Sarah? Or Heather? Or that girl who sits in the back row of class and doesn’t say much, and so you never knew how well she sang, or the fact that she’s been playing piano since she was six years old? HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT? Do you know what it’s like to be with a girl who sings, motherfucker? It’s amazing! And you won’t ever know that because you’re too hung up on some chick who’s just as insecure as you are, and who won’t date you because she’s too scared people will judge her by her boyfriend.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. I’m so pissed off because I fucking WAS you, man, and because I wasted so much time looking to women when I should have looked to myself. The sooner you really understand that, the sooner you start to know who you are, the sooner you’ll find out how many amazing women there are, and how lucky you’d be to get to know some of them.

Getting this hung up on one girl is like refusing to go to dinner with your friends unless they go to La Hacienda. “I only like Mexican food,” you say. “I only want Mexican food. I don’t even believe there ARE other things to eat, because I’m too fucking blind and stupid to get over my own obsessions and fears.” Well guess what, motherfucker? Pad Thai is the shit, and if you never pull it together enough to realize that, nobody’s going to fucking cry for you. We’re going to eat your goddamn dinner.

You hear me? You ignore all these other beautiful and amazing women, you continue to be some insecure little boy about this shit, then the rest of us will meet those women and show them the time of their lives, because we ain’t scared. We know who we are, and we’re on the front line not giving a fuck. Rejection ain’t shit but words. You don’t understand that, you deserve to have your heart shit on.

I know it sucks. Know thyself, motherfucker, and the ladies will want to know you too.

If you think this is too long to read, there’s a summary right at the end.

I’m guessing a lot of blog posts have this title so I’ll try and keep this as interesting as possible. Self-reference and clever self awareness: check. Don’t worry, this dream has an Inception type of feel to it, if that makes sense.

I went to bed at around 9pm and just woke up (9.35pm). The dream goes like this: I’m walking in the Maths department of my old school/sixth form, Wembley High (brrrrrap). I’m walking towards the English department which is on the other side of the school. As I make my way, I began thinking, “Wait a minute. The last thing I remember is going to bed in my room.”

As soon as I think that, I start stumbling like an Irishman leaving the pub. I’m desperate to try and keep my balance and save myself from embarassment from my fellow corridor travellers. I get thinking some more. “This means I’m in a dream. I’m fully aware and fully in control stumble and grab hand-rail of my actions.”

Then I began thinking about how my actions in the dream wouldn’t have any real life consequences. So, I thought about chatting up a girl with no fear. Just then, a little girl passes by. Passing on the oppurtunity to be a paedophile, I abandoned the chatting up mission.

I seemed to be on anither mission; get to my uni halls room which is in the English department. This didn’t strike me as odd until I woke up. It seemed that the more I think that I’m in control of this dream, the more I stumbled. But I powered on with the aim of going to my uni halls room and sleeping there. I would wake up in real life. That was the idea anyway.

I get closer and closer to the English department. I stumble some more and start getting really dizzy. Just one more turn.

“SARGAM!” my mother yells from under the stairs. “Did you brush your teeth?”

As I wake up I began to feel a sense of achievement. I was aware that I was in dream and was in control of my actions. And then I realised that I was still following the mission that the dream had set out to me. Also, why the hell would my uni halls room be in the English department of Wembley High Technology College? I feel quite stupid too.

Then I start to dream on about how my mind can be even more powerful if I could control my dreams. I could work like those guys from Inception. And then I hit the reality that this would probably need a lot of hard work. So I give up on that little dream and write a blog post about it instead. To make myself feel better here’a a quote by Dr Manhatten from Watchmen: We are all puppets. I’m just a puppet who can see the strings”

Booya! I’m Dr Manhatten!

I have no idea why you would read all this. I’m neither famous or hot. The only people who would read this are stalkers and/or friends with too much time on their hands. I love you.

TL;DR - I become aware that I’m in a dream but I feel stupid that I still follow the actions set in my dream. I then feel better because I’m Dr Manhatten (not part of the dream).